Prescription for uncertainty

Do you ever feel unsure of yourself? Maybe you feel like your "different" and nobody really understands you. Well, Dr. Dead Squirrel prescribes one trip to the mall to look at all of the people. You should feel better about yourself shortly.

Las Vegas Come Back

Ladies & Gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I have just signed a deal for a come back concert in Las Vegas. Watch for my upcoming photos. Viva Dead Squirrel!
*Last time I was in Vegas, I spilled red wine in my lap and even the hookers wouldn't talk to me because they thought I had something odd going on down there. 

PapaSquirrel Day

Dead Wiener Squirrelltzenager

Ladies & Gentlemen

I will not be stepping down even though my sexting photo's (below) have made it to the public eye. I have been working out and I am proud of my Sqoobs (squirrel boobs).

*On a side note, I would like to let the public know that there is a possibility that I am the child of Arnold Schwartzenager and I will be asking for DNA testing. I realized that we may be related once I started working out. 

Some Days

Let's just say .... Some days are better than others.

Food & Drug Administration

Uh, Dear Food & Drug Administration ... could you please consider putting a warning label on jalepeno peppers? "Warning: Do not use the bathroom immediately after cutting these things up!" Holy crap.

Selling Naming Rights

I am selling the naming rights to the Dead Squirrel Facebook page and Blog. Please feel free to submit proposals. I will drink specific beer brands, eat whatever crap I need to or wear your company branded  underwear.

Here are a few that sound pretty good to me:
-Dead Miller Lite Squirrel
-Dead Weight Watchers Squirrel
-Dead Cheez-It Squirrel

Holy Crap

Holy Crap, I just realized that I have been playing XBox since March 18. Is that normal?

Announcing Candidacy

I am proud to officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States of the America. I will bring integrity back to the oval office and this country. I vow to lower beer prices. I vow to institute mandatory recess in the workplace. I hope I spelled candidacy right .. that would suck if I started all of this with a mispelled word.

My short list of possible running mates include:
-Palin (Bristol)

-Sheen
-Hilton
-Dr. Phil
-The Weather Guy from channel 4
-Rick James (he's still alive, right)?

Dead Squirrel Diet Book

I am proud to announce the release of my new book ... Dead Squirrel Diet! The book is only 2 pages (not including the cover). I have a sneak peak below exclusively for you, my fans.

Chapter 1:
Stop Eating So Much 

Chapter 2:
Get Your Ass Outside and Move 


*If you read this I think you are obligated to send $24.95, plus applicable state tax to Barnes & Noble or Suzanne Sommers or something.

Charlie Sheen Announces New Intern

AP News Los Angeles,

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

In a shocking announcement Charlie Sheen has chosen his intern for Team Sheen. "Ladies and Gentleman, and all of you other A-holes in the world, I would like to ask Blog Star Dead Squirrel to be my new intern." Sheen said in his news release Thursday. "He has everything it takes ... fame, beauty, knowledge and a big set of nuts" Sheen said, referring to Dead Squirrel's ability to find acorns.

Dead Squirrel has not been able to be reached for comment, but he did release a statement of his own. "I am honored ... I think. I did meet with Charlie to discuss the position, but have not officially accepted it yet. I need a little time to make sure this is the right move for my career. Charlie did have me try on the tiger uniform that I would be required to wear. He also told me I would need to submit a pee sample to prove that I am clean. Strangely, he then gave me the pee that I was supposed to use. When I submitted it, the doctor said the good news was that I was clean, but the odd news was that I am a 13 year old girl according to the pee. Hmmm, I'm not sure what this meant. I will let you know when I formally accept this position, or if I will continue on with my own career as the most famous dead squirrel that ever lived. I am also contemplating other positions that I have been offered ... such as Willie Nelson's offer to have me be his lead roadie. There is a lot for me to think about right now."

Two and a Half Dead Squirrels

I'm on Dead Squirrel! I drink Rabbit blood! The blogging world cannot live without me! Was I in Pretty in Pink? I think I need a line of t-shirts!

Let's UPS random sh*t to people for no reason #1

I am bored. Let's UPS random shit to people for no reason. Here's how it works. I will gather stupid random items from my house and send them to the person of your choice along with an autographed Dead Squirrel photo and a note that reads BECOME A FAN OF DEAD SQUIRREL. Then we can all wait and see if this person ever becomes a fan. You should not tell the person that we are doing this.The box should show up at their home or work without them having a clue what this is all about!

This week I will mail: A banana, glass cleaner, a trick tooth paste spill-thing from Spencer Gifts, an old lottery ticket, hot sauce from KFC, a $1 poker chip from the Excaliber in Las Vegas, an AA battery, a three sided highlighter that is dried up, a cow that gets wiggly legs when you press a button, a fake $5 bill, a plastic stethoscope, a book called Managerial Moment of Truth, a rubber dress that a dog ate part of, an old window envelope and some confetti.

The first person that comments and says YES I'M IN is the winner. Once you have made the comment just send me your friend's name and address to deadsquirrelpics@gmail.com. I will UPS the crazy box on Monday.

Happy Mardi Gras

Show me yours & I'll show you mine.

DSN chief: 'Dead Squirrel Blog' future uncertain

LOS ANGELES—DSN (Dead Squuirrel Network) Chief Executive Dick Rat described the future of crisis-ridden blog "Dead Squirrel Pics" as uncertain while star Dead Squirrel  spoke of a drug-free life with two "squirrel-goddess" girlfriends at his home dubbed Sober Squirrel Lodge.

Dick Rat, interviewed at an investors' conference Tuesday in San Francisco, said he hoped the blogs top-rated comedy would return to DSN, adding, "We'll see."

Squirrel's personal woes and public tirades against producers of  "Dead Squirrel Pics" reduced the blog's season, but Dick Rat said DSN isn't suffering financially in the short term because paying for fewer blogs than planned of the expensive sitcom is "financially a gainer."

"Going down the road ... I don't know what's going to happen," he said, then took a poke at Squirrel's ongoing media tour. "He's on the air quite a bit these days. I wish he would have worked this hard to promote himself for a "Dead Squirrel Award." Squirrel has been nominated four times for lead blogger in a comedy series for "Dead Squirrel Pics," but has never won.

Meanwhile, Squirrel, 40, was a guest on Howard Stern's radio show Tuesday, discussing his career as a Hollywood playboy. Stern stated "The squirrel is a genius, but lately his blog has gone to shit. I mean ... it's not as bad as Leno or Letterman, but .... " Then he asked Squirrel about his erratic behavior. Dead Squirrel asked Stern for a 'definition' of erratic. When Stern pulled out a dictionary Dead Squirrel stormed out of the studio and has not been seen since. Stern made one post interview statement which said "If this Star-Stuff does not work out for Dead Squirrel, he can always be a total loser and create a line of t-shirts"


Entertainment Writers Anthony McCartney in Los Angeles and Jake Coyle in New York contributed to this report.

Best Prank Call Ever

This is my brother Frank. He is pretty much an ass and I am mad at him. Even though I once peed on his head in a little blue plastic pool when we were kids ... I just don't feel like this is enough. I am forced to work with him every day. While I get in to work at 7:30 AM ... he casually rolls in at noon or 1 PM, with Starbucks in hand. Pretty frustrating. Please help me make this boring, dreary day a bit brighter with some silly nonsense. Can you please call him on his cell phone as soon as you are done reading this, and when he answers, or if it goes to his voice mail just say "Dead Squirrel says Get To Work!" and then hang up! Let's give him hundreds/thousands of calls!! Please ask any/all of your friends to help ... post it online, re-tweet, or do whatever we have to do to have his phone ring off the hook. Please call him at all times of the day. His cell # is 414-378-7185.
*Don't sit around and passively let your life go by. Don't be a boring poop!! Participate! It will be fun!!! Can an I-Phone explode from overload? Let's find out. I am counting on your guys to make this crazy-fun!

The First Annual Squirrelly Awards

Man .. I really didn't think I was going to be up here. So shocked! (Who would have ever thought that a squirrel could win a Squirrelly Award)? I didn't even prepare a speech. I would like to thank Jesus, my publicist Jerry Diamond, and my beautiful wife & kids, and my mom and dad .. and of course the fans! Oh ... I can hear the music telling me to get off the stage. By the way,  I am wearing Squirrel Fur by Versace. Screw you Joan Rivers!

Lets Play a Game

Ladies & Gentlemen, lets play a little game. Please play along. This is safe and fun ... do not be scared.

Spell the word "Silk" out loud. (You can say it quiet, under your breath if you're shy). Go: ... "S-I-L-K"
Now answer this question: What do Cows drink? ______________

Please Do Not Read Ahead until you have answered the question above. 

                                                                     *No I am sorry. Cows Make Milk. They actually Drink water.
Let us all know if you answered correctly ... or incorrectly. Amazing, the sh*t eight year old kids can teach us.

Ha! I Have Fooled You All!

Ha! I Have fooled you all! This has all been a trick ... a get-rich-quick-scheme ... and you have all fallen for it! Here is the scam: When you go to my blog, there is a secret tab on the upper right (some people call it an ad). Every time one of you silly people (fools) click on this special button, I get paid! Below is a photo of me with a report showing my first pay check. Ha Ha Ha .... I am laughing all the way to the squirrel-bank. See you at the candy store ... suckers!
*Don't feel bad. Some of us are just gifted at this type of thing. 

Business Advice for Children Under 8

Business Concept: Lemonade Stand 

Lemonade .25 
*With Vodka Add $5.75
 

Important Note from Dead Squirrel's Publicist

Hello Dead Squirrel Fans, this is Jerry Diamond ... Dead Squirrel's Publicist. The main part of my job is to follow Dead Squirrel around and say things like "The Sky is the limit." Right now, however, I need your help.  I am trying to implement stage two of Dead Squirrel's massive publicity campaign. (Stage one was the press release of his shocking arrest ... noted on the Feb 5 post).

There is a contest in a local newspaper, The Shepherd Express. They are doing their First Annual Best of the Web. Will you please Vote for Dead Squirrel for Best Personal Blog. Simply go to:
www.expressmilwaukee.com/bestofweb and vote for Dead Squirrel under Personal Blog category (blogspot.deadsquirrel.com).


*There is an Awards Ceremony and if Dead Squirrel wins I promise to bring a production crew and video tape the event for the first ever Dead Squirrel You Tube Posting! This will be a wonderful and thrilling spectacle! I hope Dead Squirrel does not hang around Charlie Sheen again at this event!

You need to list at least 4 other websites, blogs etc. If you need some local insight ... a few other local websites and blogs are: 88.9 Radio Milwaukee website, AJ Bombers local twitter nut, WTMJ local tv station website, and Village Spillage is a local news blog. 

Thank you for your support!

Sincerely,
Jerry the Publicist

Best Advice Ever

My Grandfather once took me to the grocery store. He asked me "Do you want to know the secret to a long and healthy life? Just look around the grocery store for old people that look bad and unhealthy. Look in their carts and see what they are buying .... don't buy the things they are buying."

Present For Charlie Sheen

Hi Charlie,

Hope all is well. I bought this for you at the drugstore. Hope it helps.

Dental Exam

Can you "cram" for a dental exam?

I'M FREAKIN' DONE WITH THIS

That's it. I'm sick of this. Working my ass off, taking self portrait's ... all for a couple of lousy "thumbs up" symbols. Who do you think you are ... you think this is easy?! Well, I am taking the day off.  Photo uploaded for you. You post your own damn tag lines. Ha Ha.  Maybe ... I'll give your lousy ass a "thumbs up" ... if you make me laugh out loud ... (good luck). I'm goin' to the beach. Where the hell are my flip flops?

When I was a Young Squirrel

You kids are so lucky to have all of these modern abbreviations ... LOL, LMAO. When I was a young squirrel all we had was FU.

Skeletons in the Closet

Some people have skeletons in the closet. I have junk in a drawer. 

Security

Once I went to an office building that had the front door locked, and I had to buzz the front desk to have them allow me in. I hit the buzzer and a voice came over the speaker and said "Who is it ... may I help you?" I replied by saying "Yes, I am a robber and I am here to steal all of your things. Can you please let me in?"
They buzzed me right in. (True story).

Life

Life doesn't always work out exactly the way we want it to. When I was younger I always dreamed of being a professional thumb wrestler. Life, as they say, goes on.

Valentines Day

Dear Family,

I understand, and agree with you that 'It's just not normal for an adult squirrel to do this kind of stuff!' Just the fact that you have not divorced me ... and have not sent me away to squirrel-rehab shows what true love is all about! Thanks for being my passengers on this crazy squirrely ride-of-life! I Love You.

New Holiday!

There are many new, fake holidays (Sweetest Day) etc. My idea is much better. It is called Remember Your Enemies Day. This is a great opportunity to reach out to your enemies and simply remind them that you don't like each other. This can also help the flower shops. Remember Your Enemies Day will be on February 21 and the tradition can consist of sending dead flowers to your most beloved foes. This way the flower shops can sell all of the left over flowers from Valentines Day. Does anyone have a contact at Hallmark?

Even More Parental Wisdom

Once I asked my dad, "How are you?"
He replied "Better than a sharp stick in the eye."
Does this make him an optimist?

Dear Dead Squirrelly

Okay, this is a new column ... much like the famous Dear Abby. Here's how it works. You simply post what is wrong in your life right on my Facebook page as a comment to this post. I will give you advice on how to solve your problems.
*I am completely unqualified to give educated advice, but much like other authors, TV personalities and Dr. Phil, I will bullshit my way right through it. Let the therapy sessions begin.

Letters I've Never Written #4

Dear Cosmo,

In your February issue, in the article "10 Things He Will Never Tell You",  you are wrong. I do like to snuggle ... and I am not afraid to tell my friends about it. 

New #

You can dial 411 for Information and 911 for Emergencies. I think there should be a new number ... 611. It will be for Information on upcoming Emergencies. That would be helpful.

Business Cards #2

If I owned a funeral home this is what my business cards would look like.

Business Cards

If I had business cards ... this is what they would look like.

Sqoobs

I looked in the mirror this morning and I realized that I am getting old squirrel boobs. I can't believe it ... I officially have 'Sqoobs'.

Press Release

For Immediate Release:

My publicist told me this would help my career.  I  am not sure why it will help, but I am paying this guy a lot of money and he says he knows what he is doing. He also told me to let you know there will be upcoming press releases related to my squirrerly sex tape that 'accidentally' got out and also Rehab.

Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese new year everyone.


我要在中国 Scarlett Johansson 的。我们吃 fortune cookies 的。我听说在中国，他们 eat dogs 的，但它会被罚款。我也希望看到一个 monkey 的爬杆，但首先我会使用极 Vaseline 的。一旦猴子成功地爬上了极点，观众就鼓掌了，但为了好玩，我会配合一个 small rope 的观众手中。

Letters I've Never Written #3

Dear Lunesta,

I think I have found a minor flaw in your concept for a sleeping pill. I have outlined Pro's vs. Cons below.

Pro's:
One night of good sleep

Cons:

Possible side effects include ... Abnormal thoughts and behavior, more outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal, confusion, agitation, hallucinations, worsening of depression, and suicidal thoughts or actions, memory loss, anxiety, severe allergic reactions, swelling of the tongue or throat, trouble breathing, and nausea and vomiting, unpleasant taste in mouth, dry mouth, morning drowsiness, dizziness ,headache, symptoms of the common cold, Getting out of bed while not being fully awake and doing an activity you do not know you are doing. Get emergency medical help if you get these symptoms after taking LUNESTA. You may still feel drowsy the next day after taking LUNESTA These are not all the side effects of LUNESTA. Ask your healthcare professional for more information. Do not drive or do other dangerous activities after taking LUNESTA until you feel fully awake.

Not Sleet or Snow ....

Not sleet or snow or driving rain can keep a good squirrel from his grill.

Pessimist

If you are ever feeling bad, and just kind of want to feel worse ... just remember that the weather guy probably makes more money that you.

Advice For Will Ferrel

I think you are very funny Mr. Ferrel. However, I can tell you one thing that I have learned ... maybe you can use this advice in your career somehow: Everything if funnier when you add a dead squirrel.

PS: I love that scene when you get shot in the neck with a tranquilizer gun, but my young daughter was traumatized. 

We are finally here ... in the age of technology!!

Thanks to the science of of modern technology I was able to create this trick photograph which seamlessly makes it appear as though I am juggling! I just can't get over this ... simply amazing what we can do nowadays.

That's what she said.

Nude Photography

I always thought it would be cool to be a nude photographer.
*I just cant figure out how it helps to take photographs when you are nude.

Letters I've Never Written #2

Dear High School Math Teacher,

In retrospect I think I was right. I have had absolutely no use for algebra in my life.

Ice Cream

I prefer 1 small bowl of ice cream .... and 39 subsequent trips back to the container to dig for more.

State of the Squirrel Address

As Squirrel President I vow to have more of those 'Beer Summits'. I will start by having one of these summits with the guy that we are buying gas from. I am confident that we can work something out over a few cold ones.

You May Say

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Squirrely GaGa

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)