Monday, February 28, 2011

Best Prank Call Ever

This is my brother Frank. He is pretty much an ass and I am mad at him. Even though I once peed on his head in a little blue plastic pool when we were kids ... I just don't feel like this is enough. I am forced to work with him every day. While I get in to work at 7:30 AM ... he casually rolls in at noon or 1 PM, with Starbucks in hand. Pretty frustrating. Please help me make this boring, dreary day a bit brighter with some silly nonsense. Can you please call him on his cell phone as soon as you are done reading this, and when he answers, or if it goes to his voice mail just say "Dead Squirrel says Get To Work!" and then hang up! Let's give him hundreds/thousands of calls!! Please ask any/all of your friends to help ... post it online, re-tweet, or do whatever we have to do to have his phone ring off the hook. Please call him at all times of the day. His cell # is 414-378-7185.
*Don't sit around and passively let your life go by. Don't be a boring poop!! Participate! It will be fun!!! Can an I-Phone explode from overload? Let's find out. I am counting on your guys to make this crazy-fun!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The First Annual Squirrelly Awards

Man .. I really didn't think I was going to be up here. So shocked! (Who would have ever thought that a squirrel could win a Squirrelly Award)? I didn't even prepare a speech. I would like to thank Jesus, my publicist Jerry Diamond, and my beautiful wife & kids, and my mom and dad .. and of course the fans! Oh ... I can hear the music telling me to get off the stage. By the way,  I am wearing Squirrel Fur by Versace. Screw you Joan Rivers!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Lets Play a Game

Ladies & Gentlemen, lets play a little game. Please play along. This is safe and fun ... do not be scared.

Spell the word "Silk" out loud. (You can say it quiet, under your breath if you're shy). Go: ... "S-I-L-K"
Now answer this question: What do Cows drink? ______________

Please Do Not Read Ahead until you have answered the question above. 

                                                                     *No I am sorry. Cows Make Milk. They actually Drink water.
Let us all know if you answered correctly ... or incorrectly. Amazing, the sh*t eight year old kids can teach us.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Ha! I Have Fooled You All!

Ha! I Have fooled you all! This has all been a trick ... a get-rich-quick-scheme ... and you have all fallen for it! Here is the scam: When you go to my blog, there is a secret tab on the upper right (some people call it an ad). Every time one of you silly people (fools) click on this special button, I get paid! Below is a photo of me with a report showing my first pay check. Ha Ha Ha .... I am laughing all the way to the squirrel-bank. See you at the candy store ... suckers!
*Don't feel bad. Some of us are just gifted at this type of thing. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Important Note from Dead Squirrel's Publicist

Hello Dead Squirrel Fans, this is Jerry Diamond ... Dead Squirrel's Publicist. The main part of my job is to follow Dead Squirrel around and say things like "The Sky is the limit." Right now, however, I need your help.  I am trying to implement stage two of Dead Squirrel's massive publicity campaign. (Stage one was the press release of his shocking arrest ... noted on the Feb 5 post).

There is a contest in a local newspaper, The Shepherd Express. They are doing their First Annual Best of the Web. Will you please Vote for Dead Squirrel for Best Personal Blog. Simply go to: and vote for Dead Squirrel under Personal Blog category (

*There is an Awards Ceremony and if Dead Squirrel wins I promise to bring a production crew and video tape the event for the first ever Dead Squirrel You Tube Posting! This will be a wonderful and thrilling spectacle! I hope Dead Squirrel does not hang around Charlie Sheen again at this event!

You need to list at least 4 other websites, blogs etc. If you need some local insight ... a few other local websites and blogs are: 88.9 Radio Milwaukee website, AJ Bombers local twitter nut, WTMJ local tv station website, and Village Spillage is a local news blog. 

Thank you for your support!

Jerry the Publicist

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Best Advice Ever

My Grandfather once took me to the grocery store. He asked me "Do you want to know the secret to a long and healthy life? Just look around the grocery store for old people that look bad and unhealthy. Look in their carts and see what they are buying .... don't buy the things they are buying."

Monday, February 21, 2011

Present For Charlie Sheen

Hi Charlie,

Hope all is well. I bought this for you at the drugstore. Hope it helps.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


That's it. I'm sick of this. Working my ass off, taking self portrait's ... all for a couple of lousy "thumbs up" symbols. Who do you think you are ... you think this is easy?! Well, I am taking the day off.  Photo uploaded for you. You post your own damn tag lines. Ha Ha.  Maybe ... I'll give your lousy ass a "thumbs up" ... if you make me laugh out loud ... (good luck). I'm goin' to the beach. Where the hell are my flip flops?

Friday, February 18, 2011

When I was a Young Squirrel

You kids are so lucky to have all of these modern abbreviations ... LOL, LMAO. When I was a young squirrel all we had was FU.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Once I went to an office building that had the front door locked, and I had to buzz the front desk to have them allow me in. I hit the buzzer and a voice came over the speaker and said "Who is it ... may I help you?" I replied by saying "Yes, I am a robber and I am here to steal all of your things. Can you please let me in?"
They buzzed me right in. (True story).

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Life doesn't always work out exactly the way we want it to. When I was younger I always dreamed of being a professional thumb wrestler. Life, as they say, goes on.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

Dear Family,

I understand, and agree with you that 'It's just not normal for an adult squirrel to do this kind of stuff!' Just the fact that you have not divorced me ... and have not sent me away to squirrel-rehab shows what true love is all about! Thanks for being my passengers on this crazy squirrely ride-of-life! I Love You.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

New Holiday!

There are many new, fake holidays (Sweetest Day) etc. My idea is much better. It is called Remember Your Enemies Day. This is a great opportunity to reach out to your enemies and simply remind them that you don't like each other. This can also help the flower shops. Remember Your Enemies Day will be on February 21 and the tradition can consist of sending dead flowers to your most beloved foes. This way the flower shops can sell all of the left over flowers from Valentines Day. Does anyone have a contact at Hallmark?

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Even More Parental Wisdom

Once I asked my dad, "How are you?"
He replied "Better than a sharp stick in the eye."
Does this make him an optimist?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Dear Dead Squirrelly

Okay, this is a new column ... much like the famous Dear Abby. Here's how it works. You simply post what is wrong in your life right on my Facebook page as a comment to this post. I will give you advice on how to solve your problems.
*I am completely unqualified to give educated advice, but much like other authors, TV personalities and Dr. Phil, I will bullshit my way right through it. Let the therapy sessions begin.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Letters I've Never Written #4

Dear Cosmo,

In your February issue, in the article "10 Things He Will Never Tell You",  you are wrong. I do like to snuggle ... and I am not afraid to tell my friends about it. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

New #

You can dial 411 for Information and 911 for Emergencies. I think there should be a new number ... 611. It will be for Information on upcoming Emergencies. That would be helpful.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Business Cards #2

If I owned a funeral home this is what my business cards would look like.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I looked in the mirror this morning and I realized that I am getting old squirrel boobs. I can't believe it ... I officially have 'Sqoobs'.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Press Release

For Immediate Release:

My publicist told me this would help my career.  I  am not sure why it will help, but I am paying this guy a lot of money and he says he knows what he is doing. He also told me to let you know there will be upcoming press releases related to my squirrerly sex tape that 'accidentally' got out and also Rehab.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese new year everyone.

我要中国 Scarlett Johansson 的我们吃 fortune cookies 的我听说在中国他们 eat dogs 的但它会被罚款我也希望看到一个 monkey 的爬杆,但首先我使用 Vaseline 的一旦猴子成功地爬上了极点,观众就鼓掌了,为了好玩,我配合一个 small rope 的观众手中。

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Letters I've Never Written #3

Dear Lunesta,

I think I have found a minor flaw in your concept for a sleeping pill. I have outlined Pro's vs. Cons below.

One night of good sleep


Possible side effects include ... Abnormal thoughts and behavior, more outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal, confusion, agitation, hallucinations, worsening of depression, and suicidal thoughts or actions, memory loss, anxiety, severe allergic reactions, swelling of the tongue or throat, trouble breathing, and nausea and vomiting, unpleasant taste in mouth, dry mouth, morning drowsiness, dizziness ,headache, symptoms of the common cold, Getting out of bed while not being fully awake and doing an activity you do not know you are doing. Get emergency medical help if you get these symptoms after taking LUNESTA. You may still feel drowsy the next day after taking LUNESTA These are not all the side effects of LUNESTA. Ask your healthcare professional for more information. Do not drive or do other dangerous activities after taking LUNESTA until you feel fully awake.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Not Sleet or Snow ....

Not sleet or snow or driving rain can keep a good squirrel from his grill.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


If you are ever feeling bad, and just kind of want to feel worse ... just remember that the weather guy probably makes more money that you.