Friday, March 18, 2011

Dead Squirrel Diet Book

I am proud to announce the release of my new book ... Dead Squirrel Diet! The book is only 2 pages (not including the cover). I have a sneak peak below exclusively for you, my fans.

Chapter 1:
Stop Eating So Much 

Chapter 2:
Get Your Ass Outside and Move 

*If you read this I think you are obligated to send $24.95, plus applicable state tax to Barnes & Noble or Suzanne Sommers or something.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Charlie Sheen Announces New Intern

AP News Los Angeles,


In a shocking announcement Charlie Sheen has chosen his intern for Team Sheen. "Ladies and Gentleman, and all of you other A-holes in the world, I would like to ask Blog Star Dead Squirrel to be my new intern." Sheen said in his news release Thursday. "He has everything it takes ... fame, beauty, knowledge and a big set of nuts" Sheen said, referring to Dead Squirrel's ability to find acorns.

Dead Squirrel has not been able to be reached for comment, but he did release a statement of his own. "I am honored ... I think. I did meet with Charlie to discuss the position, but have not officially accepted it yet. I need a little time to make sure this is the right move for my career. Charlie did have me try on the tiger uniform that I would be required to wear. He also told me I would need to submit a pee sample to prove that I am clean. Strangely, he then gave me the pee that I was supposed to use. When I submitted it, the doctor said the good news was that I was clean, but the odd news was that I am a 13 year old girl according to the pee. Hmmm, I'm not sure what this meant. I will let you know when I formally accept this position, or if I will continue on with my own career as the most famous dead squirrel that ever lived. I am also contemplating other positions that I have been offered ... such as Willie Nelson's offer to have me be his lead roadie. There is a lot for me to think about right now."

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Two and a Half Dead Squirrels

I'm on Dead Squirrel! I drink Rabbit blood! The blogging world cannot live without me! Was I in Pretty in Pink? I think I need a line of t-shirts!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Let's UPS random sh*t to people for no reason #1

I am bored. Let's UPS random shit to people for no reason. Here's how it works. I will gather stupid random items from my house and send them to the person of your choice along with an autographed Dead Squirrel photo and a note that reads BECOME A FAN OF DEAD SQUIRREL. Then we can all wait and see if this person ever becomes a fan. You should not tell the person that we are doing this.The box should show up at their home or work without them having a clue what this is all about!

This week I will mail: A banana, glass cleaner, a trick tooth paste spill-thing from Spencer Gifts, an old lottery ticket, hot sauce from KFC, a $1 poker chip from the Excaliber in Las Vegas, an AA battery, a three sided highlighter that is dried up, a cow that gets wiggly legs when you press a button, a fake $5 bill, a plastic stethoscope, a book called Managerial Moment of Truth, a rubber dress that a dog ate part of, an old window envelope and some confetti.

The first person that comments and says YES I'M IN is the winner. Once you have made the comment just send me your friend's name and address to I will UPS the crazy box on Monday.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

DSN chief: 'Dead Squirrel Blog' future uncertain

LOS ANGELES—DSN (Dead Squuirrel Network) Chief Executive Dick Rat described the future of crisis-ridden blog "Dead Squirrel Pics" as uncertain while star Dead Squirrel  spoke of a drug-free life with two "squirrel-goddess" girlfriends at his home dubbed Sober Squirrel Lodge.

Dick Rat, interviewed at an investors' conference Tuesday in San Francisco, said he hoped the blogs top-rated comedy would return to DSN, adding, "We'll see."

Squirrel's personal woes and public tirades against producers of  "Dead Squirrel Pics" reduced the blog's season, but Dick Rat said DSN isn't suffering financially in the short term because paying for fewer blogs than planned of the expensive sitcom is "financially a gainer."

"Going down the road ... I don't know what's going to happen," he said, then took a poke at Squirrel's ongoing media tour. "He's on the air quite a bit these days. I wish he would have worked this hard to promote himself for a "Dead Squirrel Award." Squirrel has been nominated four times for lead blogger in a comedy series for "Dead Squirrel Pics," but has never won.

Meanwhile, Squirrel, 40, was a guest on Howard Stern's radio show Tuesday, discussing his career as a Hollywood playboy. Stern stated "The squirrel is a genius, but lately his blog has gone to shit. I mean ... it's not as bad as Leno or Letterman, but .... " Then he asked Squirrel about his erratic behavior. Dead Squirrel asked Stern for a 'definition' of erratic. When Stern pulled out a dictionary Dead Squirrel stormed out of the studio and has not been seen since. Stern made one post interview statement which said "If this Star-Stuff does not work out for Dead Squirrel, he can always be a total loser and create a line of t-shirts"

Entertainment Writers Anthony McCartney in Los Angeles and Jake Coyle in New York contributed to this report.