Advice For Will Ferrel

I think you are very funny Mr. Ferrel. However, I can tell you one thing that I have learned ... maybe you can use this advice in your career somehow: Everything if funnier when you add a dead squirrel.

PS: I love that scene when you get shot in the neck with a tranquilizer gun, but my young daughter was traumatized. 

We are finally here ... in the age of technology!!

Thanks to the science of of modern technology I was able to create this trick photograph which seamlessly makes it appear as though I am juggling! I just can't get over this ... simply amazing what we can do nowadays.

That's what she said.

Nude Photography

I always thought it would be cool to be a nude photographer.
*I just cant figure out how it helps to take photographs when you are nude.

Letters I've Never Written #2

Dear High School Math Teacher,

In retrospect I think I was right. I have had absolutely no use for algebra in my life.

Ice Cream

I prefer 1 small bowl of ice cream .... and 39 subsequent trips back to the container to dig for more.

State of the Squirrel Address

As Squirrel President I vow to have more of those 'Beer Summits'. I will start by having one of these summits with the guy that we are buying gas from. I am confident that we can work something out over a few cold ones.

You May Say

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Squirrely GaGa

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

Imagine a deep, sultry voice ...

"Hello Ladies." 

Late Night Talk Show Circuit

Promoting my new book HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK WITH A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM AND A DEAD SQUIRREL on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Willie Nelson, My Mom, & Me

Once I went to a Willie Nelson concert with my mom & dad ...  (don't ask). Do you see this look on my mom's face below? Well, this is the exact look my mom had (I think) when I said "Yes bartender I will have another vodka-cranberry."

Sorry ... I know this is probably only funny for me, but I just could not help but to share this little story. Happy Friday everyone!

The American Dream

If this is the American dream ... I'll stick with construction.

Facebook Idea

I have this idea to create a Facebook page, but instead of being myself I will use this silly little Barbie Doll. My little squirrel friends will think this is so cute!

The Man

Some days I just feel like 'the man' is out to get me.

More Parental Wisdom

My mom always told me, "If you're feeling down, go get yourself a cute new pair of shoes."
*It works

Saturday Trip to the Water Park!

Had a GREAT time at the water park yesterday!

On an unrelated note, does anyone know of a good dermatologist ... I woke up with a strange growth on my left foot this morning.

Boss Trick

Step #1: Write a bunch of emails for work ... especially ones to your boss
Step #2: Save emails as "drafts"
Step #3: At approx 7 PM change the time zone on your email to be on Hawaii time, and hit "send" on all.
(This should time stamp all of your emails for approx 3 AM). 
Step #4: Tell your boss how you were up all night working. Throw in terms such as 'dedicated', 'committed'. 
*This trick works best if you don't live in Hawaii

Jimmy Fallon

Someone tell Jimmy Fallon that I'm lookin' for his ass.

Homeless Sign

Skee-Ball!

Is there such a thing as  Skee-Ballers Anonymous? I cant stop this sh*t

Let me get this straight

Okay ... let me get this straight. We can look up a photo of pretty much any house on the planet online, but we can't create a a car that holds a full gallon of wiper fluid?

Uh ...

... Huh ... Oh ... Uh ...  Sorry ... Uh, we're you talking to me?

SNL Skit Concept #2

I thought it would make a funny skit on Saturday Night Live if they took classic sit coms and recreated them, but changed all of the characters ethnicity. Laverne & Shirley would be even funnier if all of the characters were changed to be African American.

Parental Wisdom #1

Once when I was younger I asked my father to read a poem by a famous poet that I had learned about in school. He looked at the book for a moment and then handed it back to me and said "Sometimes reading poetry is like smelling another person's gas"

Friday

This week stunk. I will forget all of my problems as soon as the first note of Justin Bieber hits the Karaoke machine tonight! 

Letters I've Never Written #1

Dear Lady who would not let me over on the highway,

I just want to make sure that you have utilized the 2 seconds that you saved by not letting me in front of you wisely.

P.S. I am not sure if you noticed, but I ended up passing you about a mile further down the road.

Psst ...

You need anything labeled?

Dishwasher

This is exactly why squirrels don't use dishes!

SNL Skit Concept #1

I thought it would be a funny idea for a Saturday Night Live skit if people would dress up like bowling pins, and then stand together in a triangle. The things they would say to each other before the ball was rolled at them could be very funny.

Exercise

I made a new years resolution to exercise! So for I have bought new shoes, a shiny new t-shirt, and an I-pod! I think I need some more stuff before I actually start.

Holy Carp

O my, waht an amazing nite. Squirrel to girl ratio ws awsme (i think I was the only dead squirrel there)! Cab driver just now dropped me off a few minutes ago at 5am ... Thnk i gave him a $100 tip, crap. Do you think the mcdonalds drive thru is open right now? How bout Oakland Gyro? I am goig to bed, Check out the amazing night of pics on my facebook photo album!