ABSOLUTELY CAN'T WAIT!

I have been invited to the best New Years Eve party ever! Although I can't invite all of my fans, I will take some pics and post an incredible new photo album tomorrow! BE SURE TO CHECK IT OUT! Gotta go get ready now. Happy New Year to all! Have fun and be safe (if you choose to drink, please don't drive).

Squirrel Frogger

What the hell is supposed to be so fun about this game? All it does is make me a nervous wreck.

If Only ...

If I could just lose a few ounces!

Simple Recipe to Improve a Bad Day

If you are having a bad day, try this recipe and it is pretty much guaranteed to make you feel better ... and it is surprisingly low in calories and carbs!
1: Shake can well
2: Tilt your head back slightly
3: Press down and hold cute little white nozzle
4: Allow whipped cream to quickly fill your entire mouth
For best results allow whipped cream to overfill mouth and stick out like a small mountain top.

Monday Morning

Sometimes when I am crabby about getting up on a Monday morning, I think about what it must be like to be a morning news anchor. Their Monday mornings suck more than mine.

Anything you want in life

My mother always told me that I could be anything I wanted in life, as long I worked hard enough. I don't think she had any idea that I would want to be a dead squirrel. Sorry Mom.

1 ... 2 ... 3 ...

1: Happy Birthday Jesus
2: Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all of my friends and foes
3: I predict that in another two hours I will be so bored that I will be thoroughly cleaning my nose. 

Not Sure

Umm ... I'm not exactly sure what to say here.

Huge In China!

Dear American fans. I am not sure if you are aware, but I am huge in China. So, unfortunately today I must share a personal joke exclusively for my Chinese friends.
"从美利坚合众国我的朋友都懒得翻译这一点，所以我们没有他们将分享笑声。这里有一些有趣的脏话，他们将永远不会看到：狗屎，他妈的，佩佩和大便大便！多有趣，对不对？！"

Hoping for a Bad Day

I am truly hoping for a bad day. If I smile or laugh today, that crack in my lip will bust wide open. 

Okay, Seriously

Okay, seriously ... I am a dead squirrel and even I won't wear Croc's in public. I know ... don't tell me ... 'They're so comfortable."

Oh, Man

Oh man, this feel good.

Confirming Appointment

Dear Bath & Body Works: I am just confirming our appointment for December 24, 6:30 PM.

Great time at the Museum!!

Had a wonderful day at the Milwaukee Public Museum! Check out the photo album with all my pics on Facebook!

Sorry #2

Well, I am sorry that it makes me feel good once in a while when I am so lazy that I throw recyclable products right in the regular garbage!This picture strangely warms me inside just a little. Sorry.

Sorry #1

I am sorry to the environment, but it was so cold this morning that I let my car warm up for 3.5 hours before I got in.

Pedro's on North

Well either I am getting the flu ... or Pedro's Cantina on North Ave gets two thumbs down. Way down.

With All Due Respect

With all due respect to my many fans ... On Wednesday night I may be emailing you to let you know that you can kiss my ass goodbye.
*I will split the winnings with anyone that checks the numbers for me by 10 PM Central on Wednesday and emails me to let me know that I (we) have won. 

Monday

I'm not sure what I would do if I had a job where I had to wear a suit and tie everyday. I may only be an Acorn salesman ... but at least I don't have to shave today.

Attention All Sinners

Attention All Sinners: It is possible that if you go to hell when you die, it may consist of having to relive the 5 seconds of when you first get out of the shower on a cold cold morning over and over and over ...

Ahhh

Nothing like kickin' back on a Saturday morning with a good cup of coffee and the newspaper.

Christmas Lights

Always great to be the last guy on your block to put up Christmas lights ... at 10:30 PM on a Thursday night.
*Wouldn't it be funny if Jesus was up in heaven ... grading everyone on this shit.

One time

One time when I was younger I was out looking for acorns, and I came across a small patch of mushrooms.

Nobody told me there'd be days like this

Unfortunately today is the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death. I once heard the his son Julian said "When I grow up I want to be a rock star." John replied "That's great. Just don't blame me."

damn it .... another ticket!!!

Its not the fault of the guys who hand out the tickets .... but damn it, it sucks when you get a one! I once read that police officers and dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. I wonder where ticket-givers fall on this chart? 

Animal Planet

I started following Animal Planet on Twitter, but I just cant relate. It's all Sharks, Sharks, Sharks. Nothing that truly relates to me. Does anyone know how I feel?

Misc Strange but True Childhood Stories

When I was was in high school, my girlfriend and I broke up in a bitter little teenage spat. We didn't talk for weeks (which is a long time in teenage years). We finally finally made up and talked on the phone for the first time.

She said "Ahhh ... there is a song on the radio now which reminded me of you while we did not talk ... 'Missing You' by John Wait'". 
"Ahhh ... there is a song that I am listening to right now which also reminds me of you when while we did not talk." I said.
"What is it?" she asked
"... 'You Give Love a Bad Name' by Bon Jovi".

When never really talked again. 

At least they make it interesting!

At least the Packers make for an interesting game, win or lose! I always think it is more fun to watch a good game than a boring blow out. Shout out to my friend MC Hammer who is at Lambeau!

Dead Squirrel Snow Blow

Like many people, I waited until it snowed before I thought about buying a snow blower. I kind of like the hardware store even though I cannot build anything. I like looking at all of the stuff and I think of other things I could use them for.